I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
