I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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