i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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