In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
id be glad to
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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