they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
