I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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