if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
