Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
