You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize