she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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