i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
50% drunk capacity currently
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
