This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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