i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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