i need an iv and a liver transplant
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
