i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
