I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize