chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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