Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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