sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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