party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
