i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
