We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
