In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
