i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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