The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Dear god my vagina.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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