Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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