how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
