I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize