I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize