I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
