when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
