Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
