i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
