Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
