Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
