Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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