If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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