someone threw a dead crab at me
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
