Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
