you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
