i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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