I love black thongs
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
