You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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