The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
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