So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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