And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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