if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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