Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
