I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i've created a new STD.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
