I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
