she looked like the bat from fern gully.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize