God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
