i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
