i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
