we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
