I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
