I need to stop coming to work sober
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
