woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
