If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize