he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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